Is Reconciliation Always the Right Answer?

The release of Karl Pillemer’s book on family estrangement has prompted conversations about reconciliation. There are those who have talked about how shedding toxic relationships has enriched their lives. And then there are those who regret their separation from loved ones but do not know how to reconcile. 

Sometimes we get inquiries from family members needing to resolve a conflict but reluctant to rekindle a relationship that has been difficult or even painful for them. They assume that, as a mediator, I will always be encouraging reconciliation. That is not the case. While reuniting people is our focus and goal for families, we recognize that it is not always in the best interests of all people but it requires self-reflection to make that decision. 

If someone has had an abusive relationship, we would never encourage a person to return or reunite with abusive family members. But circumstances sometimes force people to reunite. Several families we have dealt with have a family member who has not been involved, or in some case in contact, with the family. Now a decision needs to be made that requires his/her involvement. In this case, we work to get everyone together for a conversation to address the problem at hand. We are not there to explore the roots of the estrangement; we leave that to therapists and counselors.  We are there to structure a discussion to resolve the issue. 

Anyone who has chosen estrangement has to look at the broader picture to truly assess whether it is the right decision for them and their family. Will you regret this decision after your parent or sibling are gone? Have you deprived your nuclear family of relatives because of your decision? If someone decides that they would like to mend a relationship we can help with that by structuring a conversation that establishes guidelines for how they can move forward. Maybe getting together frequently is not a good idea but maybe holiday dinners twice a year and speaking once a month will work. Can you move forward if you know what topics to avoid? That may be something that you can agree upon. 

Once you have made the decision to reconcile, we can help you to have that productive conversation.