How To Ask For Help

In today’s New York Times Magazine, Malia Wollan provides guidance on how to ask strangers for help. Instead of being passive, Ms. Wollan encourages her readers to be direct and to ask for help in person, face to face. Her comments remind me of how asking strangers for help is similar to having difficult conversations with our close friends and family. Due to fear of rejection or fear of misunderstanding, we tend to avoid asking strangers for help and avoid having difficult conversations. We also tend to make assumptions that the stranger and family member aren’t interested, will not understand, and do not want to be bothered. As Ms. Wollan states, we are “social species”, and we are inclined to be “agreeable rather than disagreeable.” Therefore, we should drop the false assumptions and trust the other person to have these difficult conversations.

Families have complicated dynamics that make it hard for some members to start a difficult conversation. Whether it is about finances, aging parents, housing or relational, it is sometimes hard to approach your family to engage in a meaningful and effective conversation. But these conversations are necessary to preserve your family relationships. Just as Ms. Wollan describes strangers as being agreeable and approachable, you may be surprised to learn that your family is just as agreeable to listen to you. Although you may have “baggage” and not trust your family to have these conversations, perhaps you can try putting the history behind you and start a new dynamic. Life is full of risks, therefore why not start now and try a new way of talking to your family. Selecting the right time and place to have these difficult conversations is a beginning. Speaking direct, without anger, and without assumptions will also facilitate an effective conversation. And even if the response is not what you hoped for, try again. Don’t give up. It may take time before you and your family members learn how to speak to one another effectively with trust.

Family conversations are hard and easy to avoid altogether. But if we want to have meaningful relationships with our children, our parents, then we need to engage in these conversations. We need to begin to put ourselves out there and directly engage our family in conversations that can change the way we relate to one another. The end result will be rewarding.