Having an Effective Conversation Before Conflict Arises

As family mediators, my partner, Gail, and I examine conflict, positions and the ways in which family members can resolve their dispute. While the mediation sessions allow family members to voice their concerns, as mediators, we are thinking about reaching a mutually agreeable resolution. However, perhaps we should take a step back and think about the ways in which family members and friends conduct their conversations before a conflict arises. 

Gail and I have been teaching a class on communication and we realize that people want the tools to engage in productive conversations. People want to be able to have an honest conversation with a family member and a best friend knowing that the conversation will not escalate into conflict. While its not easy to engage in effective communication all the time there are some easy tools to keep in mind the next time you talk to a friend.

First, to have an effective conversation, you need to be an effective listener. It is not enough that you hear the words being said. Rather, you need to know what the speaker is saying and why. To reach that level of communication, you need to ask follow-up questions, that will show that you are really listening, and you need to confirm that your understanding of what is being said is correct. Avoid assumptions and reaching conclusions about what is being said before it is said. Lean into the conversation and get engaged. But the most important thing is not to react to what is being said. If a friend or family member is excited about something and expresses their thoughts in an aggressive manner, try not to react in the same way.  Instead, identify the anger and respond in a calm way. You need to break the cycle if someone else is angry. 

Having an effective conversation does not happen quickly. You need to practice and see how your own techniques develop over time. But if your goal is to have a conversation that is satisfying and rewarding, especially with your family, then it is worth putting in the time and practice to achieve that level of communication. With effective conversations, your relationships will improve and be stronger.

Ruth Weinreb