An Epidemic of Fractured Families
On another page of this website you can read an article about Karl Pillemer’s new book, ‘Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them’. (Another book that addresses the epidemic of family disfunction, ‘Rules of Estrangement’, by Joshua Coleman comes out in March.) Professor Pillemer raises some important points and has presented an interesting analysis of family divisions. However, there was one great omission when it comes to reconciling families: the use of family mediation.
Talking Alternatives works with parents and teens and with adult siblings to resolve conflicts and improve communication. Family mediation has been growing more popular over the last decade, in part as the aging population has grown and more adult siblings are arguing about the care of their parents and family estates. Family mediation has been shown to be highly effective in resolving issues amongst relatives. There are several reasons for this.
Family members are generally more comfortable with the idea of a neutral, non-judgmental third party facilitating a conversation as opposed to a therapist who will delve deeply into a painful past.
Where therapy attempts to resolve past history, mediation deals with how to move forward. Sometimes the looking back, or the fear of looking at past hurts, stops people from having the conversation necessary to move forward. We often get people to the table by explaining that everyone can still have their own ‘truths’. Through conversation, the participants acknowledge not just what is being said and how it is being said, but also the emotions behind the statements leading to a better understanding of those ’truths’.
Therapy is a process that takes time. Mediation is usually at most a few sessions and is not an ongoing process.
Mediation emphasizes communication. When people have been estranged for a while, it’s hard to take that first step. Communication has broken down and the ability to converse seems impossible. We, as mediators, stress not just what is being said, but how it’s being said.
For some family members, just the word therapy implies that there is something wrong with them and is met with resentment and anger, whether justified or not. Mediation is not threatening to people looking to resolve conflicts.
At the end of a mediation session (most of our cases are single sessions, some lasting for as long as seven hours), the family has developed a plan to move forward which becomes a blueprint for future relations.
I was surprised not to find a mention of family mediation as a solution. With many of the families we have worked with, it’s the only option. Some family members will not commit to a long-term therapy plan and often the family friction comes to a head with decisions requiring an immediate solution, such as care for an aging parent. These situations do not lend themselves to therapy. Mediation helps to resolve the impasse quickly and they can communicate and move on.
We live in a time where parents may have remarried more than once, particularly now that people are living longer and remarrying at advanced ages. Blended families are a frequent cause of family breakdowns. It can be hard to blend a family of 40- and 50-year old children.
I encourage you to read the article and consider reading these books. If you are someone who is in a fragmented family perhaps they might encourage you to seek reconciliation and understanding through mediation.