Category Archives: Benefits of Mediation

DEAL MAKING VS. MEDIATION

We’ve heard a lot about Donald Trump’s deal making skills lately and how he plans, as President, to make huge trade deals that will benefit the United States. However, after all this talk about how Trump will make these successful deals, I am left with the feeling that Trump is only interested in a deal that gives him what he wants with no regard to the needs of the other party. As an alternative to “deal making,” mediation provides an environment where there is an equal balance of power so that parties can reach a mutually agreeable resolution.

Deal making and mediation are similar since they both provide a process in which parties can reach an agreement or resolution. However, there are significant differences in how these procedures achieve this goal. The deal making/negotiation procedure tends to focus on how you can get your opponent to agree with your terms. That would be a successful agreement. On the other hand, mediation, with the help of trained mediators, encourages parties to have an open and honest conversation so that everyone understands the positions and underlying concerns being expressed at the table. Once that is achieved, the parties can then become creative and discuss a resolution that benefits both parties. A mediated resolution does not always mean that there is a compromise where a party has to give up something to reach an agreement. Rather, through mediation, the parties agree to terms that they both believe give them the best resolution, thereby establishing a win-win situation.

Unlike negotiation, mediation provides a process where parties are more likely to feel like they both got a good deal. Walking away from the table with that feeling can only ensure that the parties will comply with the terms of the agreement. More importantly, such good feelings will preserve the parties’ relationship, whether they are family members or business associates.

Ruth Weinreb

Family Therapy vs. Family Mediation

As a mediator who specializes in elder/family mediation, I frequently get asked to compare family mediation and family therapy. Usually a family member tells me that the mediation process sounds like therapy. While the two processes share certain elements, they are completely different.

MedicineNet.com gives the following definition of family therapy , “Family therapy: A type of psychotherapy designed to identify family patterns that contribute to a behavior disorder or mental illness and help family members break those habits. Family therapy involves discussion and problem-solving sessions with the family. Some of these sessions may be as a group, in couples, or one on one. In family therapy, the web of interpersonal relationships is examined and, ideally, communication is strengthened within the family.”

On the other hand, family mediation is about resolving a dispute. It is about family members finding a way in which they can reach a mutually agreeable resolution to a dispute. The dispute can be about the care of an elderly family member or the sale of the family summer home. Family mediation does not dwell on family dynamics, the role each family member plays in the family or family history. Moreover, unlike family therapy, family mediation is a shorter process. Families come together for only a few hours in order to find a resolution.

Family mediation and therapy do share some elements. Both are about communication and they both provide a safe environment where family members can engage in open and honest discussions. Family therapy and mediation also have a common benefit of improving family relationships and the way families handle future conflict.

Although family therapy and family mediation appear to be similar because they both involve families and the way families communicate, the orientation of each process is significantly different. Families need to be cognizant of these differences in order to select the process that can best address and meet their family needs.

Ruth Weinreb

Why Refer To Us

We practice family mediation with a specialty in Elder and Adult Family mediation and Parent and Teen mediation.  Our focus is on communication between family members and preserving family relationships. Most people associate mediation with labor disputes and divorce. It’s a great product we are selling, but most people do not know what it is. Instead they make assumptions, and they are often so far off the mark.

Mediation is a form of conflict resolution. There are a lot of similarities between what we do and what mediators are trying to accomplish in the Middle East. (A mediator in that region told me he would rather work with the parties from countries there than the combative families we see.) In both cases, people can not reach agreement on an issue, are stuck in their positions, and can no longer speak civilly to one another without someone facilitating the conversation and insuring it’s productive.  Continue reading Why Refer To Us

The Difficult Conversation

As a member of the sandwich generation, I often hear my friends describe a family situation where an elderly parent is showing signs of becoming frail and forgetful and being more challenged by everyday tasks. In all these family situations the parent, or sometimes both parents, live alone. A caregiver may visit for a few hours each day, helping with shopping, meals and doctor visits. However, the geographical distance between the parents and family members is great. Although my friends recognize the vulnerability of their parents, they seem to be afraid to move forward to discuss a plan of action for the future. As a wise person once told me, our parents will never be as young or healthy as they are today.

So why are adult children afraid to talk to one another about the future care of their aging parents? Why are adult children afraid to discuss with their parents the possibility of moving closer to a sibling, the extended hours of a caregiver, the move to an assisted living facility or giving up driving? In some families, open and truthful conversations are rare or nonexistent. They have no practice in having real conversations about real issues. In other families, the relationship between the adult children is brittle, lacking trust. And some family members are just in denial and don’t want to deal with medical and care giving issues of their parents, which can feel so monumental at times.

As mediators, we repeatedly see family members in pain as they struggle to navigate the aging process of their parents. Even with the help of a geriatric care manager, the family members get stuck for whatever reason, and are unable to talk about these important family matters. As a result, the family goes on as if everything is fine and everyone is able to manage until a crisis erupts. While mediation is not therapy and will not address the psychology behind a family member’s behavior, it does bring family members together, perhaps for the first time, to openly address shared family issues that need to be discussed before things get out of hand. Talking about these important issues before a crisis will ensure an opportunity to timely and rationally analyze the situation and arrive at a sound decision.

As our parents, or relatives, age, it is time for the family to unite to create a future plan that works for the entire family. Family members need to have these difficult conversations in a real way to ensure that their aging parents are safe and that the family relationships survive. Mediation is a successful tool used to give families a way to effectively manage the aging process we all experience.

Ruth Weinreb

Why I Should Have Chosen Mediation

My friend, let’s call her Cathy, has had a difficult relationship with her widowed father for a while now. She is part of an informal, blended family. Her father lives in a nearby city and is not married, but has been living with a woman for several years. The father lives in the woman’s house, spends summers at her summer house, is close with her daughter’s family, and overall has slipped comfortably into his significant other’s life. Cathy has been devastated. According to Cathy, her father’s girlfriend, let’s call her Mrs. X, has made no attempt to draw Cathy and her nuclear family into this extended, blended family. Instead of her traditional family holiday celebrations, the whole new family is included in holiday traditions that they would not normally celebrate, since they are not all the same religion. For Cathy, this has created a lot of resentment towards her father. Doesn’t he see what’s happening? Doesn’t he see that she’s left out. Why doesn’t he stick up for her? She and her father had some awful blowout fights and can hardly say a civil word to each other. The tension has gone so far as to effect Cathy’s brother and his family. Last year, I suggested to Cathy that she consider mediation so they can learn to listen and speak to one another  and come out with a plan to go forward. Instead, she convinced her father to try therapy with her, and each committed to two months. Her father didn’t make it past the fourth session.

Last week I sat down to ask her why she didn’t chose mediation. Interestingly enough, her answers were based on a misunderstanding of mediation and the process. Where as a friend did I go wrong?? I think we both made assumptions without ever clarifying the options. She went to therapy because she needed to get some of the old hurts and pain her father had caused dealt with and discussed, even though he has alway opposed doing that. Her therapist thought that this could work for them. It didn’t. Her father didn’t believe in therapy to begin with. Her father has a stereotypical view of therapy and who needs therapy and it doesn’t include him. This was not a realistic method for him to resolve any problems. His biases were already in place. She didn’t go to mediation because she didn’t think she would have the opportunity to communicate her pain and hurt he has caused her.

Now I explained the mediation process. How we interview each of them beforehand to find out their perception of the issues and then schedule one open-ended session where the issues are discussed in a non-confrontational way and hopefully, agreements are reached and the parties are able to talk to one another after they leave. Emotions come out, and there is room for it in the process, but we, as mediators, are going to keep the parties talking and focused on the issues they have identified. Cathy had an immediate problem: she and her father were losing their relationship. We insure the parties speak and listen to one another, and actually hear one another. Mediation is a problem oriented process.  It helps people resolve their conflicts, focusing on the problem at hand, and gives the parties a means to move ahead. Cathy would have been able to communicate her emotions and hurt, but in the end she and her father would have learned how to talk and listen effectively , be considerate of each other, and avoid ‘pushing each other’s buttons’.

Without asking, Cathy said, “we should have gone to mediation.” So, what were the selling points that indicated this was the better route? A la Letterman, let’s start with:

  • Number 4. Her father would have been more open to a process that wasn’t a therapeutic framework. Given his original biases, he was less likely to function well in that context.
  • Number 3: Although it was important for her to have her father hear her hurt and what the issues were for them, it would have taken them far longer than the time allotted, and possible, for them to really get into and resolve the roots of some of their problems.
  • Number 2 is the realization that she would have gotten skills that she could use when future problems arose. Her pain and emotions would be part of the session but the emphasis would have been on how they could go forward, which was the immediate problem for her.
  • And what she consider as the all important Number 1 is the ability to resolve the problems in one session. She left frustrated every time the therapy session ended and nothing was resolved. Whatever momentum they achieved, was lost when the time was up. She feels the opportunity to work through in one long session might have been a key point in helping them work through their issues productively.

Next time, I will try to be as clear with my friends as I am in my formal presentations.

Why Mediation Matters by Ruth Weinreb

I graduated law school 28 years ago and was looking forward to a career in litigation. I had taken classes in evidence, civil procedure and trial advocacy and was excited about litigating my first trial. After a short period of time, I was handling my own trials, loving it. I enjoyed the details of putting together the evidence, preparing the witnesses and sparring with my opponent. I even enjoyed writing the briefs. But after 28 years of litigation experience, 28 years of parties waiting three years for a final Order, and 28 years of parties not receiving a full remedy, I realized that mediation offered more than a viable alternative to litigation. Continue reading Why Mediation Matters by Ruth Weinreb

Parent/Teen Mediation: Why Kids Return to the Table by Gail Goodman

I enjoy mediating with teens and parents. The cases are sometimes referred by social services or probation, or sometimes a school counselor or social worker will recommend trying mediation. Initially I made the assumption that any young person coming in who has been referred by an official agency, some under the threat that this was the last chance before being taken out of the home, would come in intending to comply with the terms. This is not always the case.

After greeting the parents and teen, I explain the mediation process and the ground rules and tell them that there is a commitment to attend a one hour session for 4 consecutive weeks. The parents generally agree but the teen will usually, and sullenly, only agree to see how it goes. There are no guarantees except for the first session. Yet at the end of all those first sessions, they all agree to come back; that’s a 100% retention rate. This isn’t to say that every mediation resolved all the conflicts or necessarily ended ‘successfully’, but just having everyone return every week was something of a victory. What made them agree? What changed their attitude? Here’s what I got from some of the feedback and my observations. Continue reading Parent/Teen Mediation: Why Kids Return to the Table by Gail Goodman

Elder Care Meditation Service Aims to Defuse Tense Issues (The Examiner)

Published in The Examiner on July 20, 2015.
By Martin Wilbur

The challenge of caring for an aging parent has become increasingly common during the past generation as people generally live longer and grown children can often live long distances apart.

That reality can place a strain on families unable to agree how to best address what mom or dad needs, whether that’s having an aide, needing a change in living arrangements or when myriad issues can arise.

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Take Care of the Moms Who Take Care of an Elderly Mom (TheExaminerNews.com)

Written by Gail H. Goodman
Published in the May 5, 2015 edition of The Examiner News

Families around the country are making plans for Mother’s Day: making the reservations for the celebratory family dinner, mailing the cards and buying presents.

Hallmark and stores bombard us with reminders of what to get for our moms and the perfect way to
celebrate her, highlighting the joys of motherhood, from new mothers to grandmothers. We accept the
picture perfect world portrayed in advertising and expect to see it reflected in our lives.

What the ads don’t tell you is this: type “elderly mothers” in a search engine and you will get titles such as “My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy” or “Is My Elderly Parent From the Exorcist.” This is the reality for many families as they confront Mother’s Day. These are the websites and articles written by those who bear the burden of caring for their elderly parents.

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