I graduated law school 28 years ago and was looking forward to a career in litigation. I had taken classes in evidence, civil procedure and trial advocacy and was excited about litigating my first trial. After a short period of time, I was handling my own trials, loving it. I enjoyed the details of putting together the evidence, preparing the witnesses and sparring with my opponent. I even enjoyed writing the briefs. But after 28 years of litigation experience, 28 years of parties waiting three years for a final Order, and 28 years of parties not receiving a full remedy, I realized that mediation offered more than a viable alternative to litigation. Continue reading Why Mediation Matters by Ruth Weinreb
I enjoy mediating with teens and parents. The cases are sometimes referred by social services or probation, or sometimes a school counselor or social worker will recommend trying mediation. Initially I made the assumption that any young person coming in who has been referred by an official agency, some under the threat that this was the last chance before being taken out of the home, would come in intending to comply with the terms. This is not always the case.
After greeting the parents and teen, I explain the mediation process and the ground rules and tell them that there is a commitment to attend a one hour session for 4 consecutive weeks. The parents generally agree but the teen will usually, and sullenly, only agree to see how it goes. There are no guarantees except for the first session. Yet at the end of all those first sessions, they all agree to come back; that’s a 100% retention rate. This isn’t to say that every mediation resolved all the conflicts or necessarily ended ‘successfully’, but just having everyone return every week was something of a victory. What made them agree? What changed their attitude? Here’s what I got from some of the feedback and my observations. Continue reading Parent/Teen Mediation: Why Kids Return to the Table by Gail Goodman
So you want your day in court? You feel someone is taking advantage of you and you’re entitled to see a judge. Understandable but not necessarily smart. I had a case in small claims court that illustrates that all too well. (Not that there aren’t many more cases that I could use as an example. This example extends to other types of cases that could be litigated.) The case was a landlord/tenant case. The parties initially went before the judge. The landlord, quite confidently presented his side to the judge, citing the research he used from the internet to prove his case. He didn’t doubt for a minute that he was right, until the judge corrected him on the law. As with other types of research into technical issues on the web, there is a context and additional information that professionals know, whereas the layperson is apt to misinterpret or make a decision based on partial facts. (This also applies to self-diagnosing from a medical website. Before you make plans for your funeral, check with a specialist to see if your diagnosis is correct.) The landlord was not feeling quite so confident now. The tenants also felt they had the law on their side but when the judge pressed them to at least try mediation first, they reluctantly agreed. Continue reading Second Guessing the Judge by Gail Goodman
Published in The Examiner on July 20, 2015.
By Martin Wilbur
The challenge of caring for an aging parent has become increasingly common during the past generation as people generally live longer and grown children can often live long distances apart.
That reality can place a strain on families unable to agree how to best address what mom or dad needs, whether that’s having an aide, needing a change in living arrangements or when myriad issues can arise.
Written by Gail H. Goodman
Published in the May 5, 2015 edition of The Examiner News
Families around the country are making plans for Mother’s Day: making the reservations for the celebratory family dinner, mailing the cards and buying presents.
Hallmark and stores bombard us with reminders of what to get for our moms and the perfect way to
celebrate her, highlighting the joys of motherhood, from new mothers to grandmothers. We accept the
picture perfect world portrayed in advertising and expect to see it reflected in our lives.
What the ads don’t tell you is this: type “elderly mothers” in a search engine and you will get titles such as “My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy” or “Is My Elderly Parent From the Exorcist.” This is the reality for many families as they confront Mother’s Day. These are the websites and articles written by those who bear the burden of caring for their elderly parents.
A judge in Georgia agreed on Wednesday to appoint a mediator to help settle a dispute between the late Martin Luther King Jr.’s children over whether to sell his 1964 Nobel Peace Prize medal and the Bible he carried during the civil rights movement.
The fight pits the slain civil rights leader’s sons Martin Luther King III and Dexter King, who want to sell the medal and Bible, against King’s surviving daughter, Bernice King, who opposes the sale of items she calls “sacred” to the family.
ROSIE, Therese and Linda McMahan were always close, but after their father died unexpectedly in 2011, they found their relationship strained.
They did not know what to do for their 84-year-old mother, Rose, and their brother, Paul, 53, who has cognitive disabilities and is in a wheelchair. The sisters tried to find an assisted-living home nearby, in the Boston area, but couldn’t. And so after many months, they decided that their mother and brother would move in with Rosie’s family in Amherst, Mass.
The Fall has gone so fast and here we are gearing up for the holidays. Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year as people start heading away for the holiday. Most people will be with family during this time. For many this is a warm, fuzzy time with family and friends. For some, it is a time of tension and anxiety as family members gather to enjoy the holidays while dealing with long term, underlying tensions. We hope your holidays are happy and enjoyable ones but if you know of people who need to work on their conflicts with family, and preserve relationships, we are happy to help.
Family and the Holidays: A Recipe for Conflict?
As the holidays approach, we are receiving calls from family members anticipating family tensions that will come to a head as they gather together. Some have needed our help in order to get together for the holidays while others are preparing for the aftermath of their reunions. The people contacting us are elderly parents or adult siblings who are struggling with conflicts that are rooted in fragile relationships, but now are tested by a crisis that necessitates siblings and family members working together to make decisions. Our role is to help these families communicate in order to address their issues. Two articles that help explain what we do are provided here. We encourage you to read them and pass them on to those who need our services but didn’t even know this service is available and is a possible solution for them.
Time for Thanks and Reflection
As we gather to give thanks, we need to remember that conflict is normal in all relationships, and doesn’t have to be destructive as long as we know how to deal with it and don’t let it get out of hand. For those of you with teens, take this time to think about how your teen is doing. It’s almost the end of the first half of the year. If your teen is having troubles at home or at school, now is the time to think about what the problems are and how to handle them. If it’s a question of communication, as it often is with teens, think about mediation as a way of improving your teen’s communication skills and your ability to talk with your teen. We”re here to help.
We hope your holiday is a happy one.
Ruth Weinreb and Gail H. Goodman
Well, although we’re sorry to see the summer go, we can now look forward to a beautiful autumn. This is an energized time as we return from vacations and the ease of summer into the sobering back-to-school and back-to-work season. For many of us, the summer is a time of families getting together for vacations or visits. For some, these are light-hearted times, while for others it’s a time to catch up with the concerns that families are facing. We talk below about some of the problems families are encountering and how our services can help families meet these challenges.
Enjoy what is left of summer and enjoy the changing of the leaves!
Gail and Ruth
Adjusting to Getting Back to School
The end of summer and the beginning of school can be tense times. Gone is the freedom of summer, and the anticipation of another school year can create tension in a household. This is particularly true when children have moved up the previous year and are entering a new school. And the case is usually the bigger the child, the bigger the problems. Whether parents are concerned about the transition to a new school or a return to the problematic behavior of previous years, we can help you get off on a good foot by helping parents and teens discuss their concerns for the new school year. When we reach out to schools, we explain that we would rather see teens and their parents before the trouble gets out of hand. Teens are known not to be the best communicators, but with a facilitated conversation, parents and teens learn how to communicate effectively and how to discuss issues and problems, such as truancy or failure to do homework. If you know of a family facing these problems, or potential problems, please let them know we can help.
The Baby Boomer Caretaking Challenge
October 1 is a day to Honor an Elder. One way of doing that is acknowledging obstacles to the care of aging parents. Usually the care of aging parents falls upon the shoulders of their adult children. This is the generation that is busy trying to work towards meeting the obligations of their children’s schooling or, if past that, are trying to work and save for their own futures. But a health or other kind of crisis occurs, and they find themselves trying to balance their lives with the added responsibility of taking care of aging parents. Caregiving is a difficult role and it often falls on the shoulders of one sibling who lives near the parent. In addition to the other responsibilities in their lives, adult children are often now, once again, dealing with siblings with whom they have not dealt in years, in order to address the issues of their aging parents.
We spent part of this summer talking to staff in senior facilities. We were asked to talk to them about our services. They can feel the tension, and hear the arguments, among siblings when they first tour the facility and are faced with the realities of a parent’s circumstances and see the reality of the changed living situation. Then there are the children of residents who place the staff in the middle of disagreements about Mom or Dad’s care, an impossible role for the staff as advocates for the welfare of the parent.
This is where we come in. As neutral third parties, not advocating on anyone’s behalf, we can bring the siblings to the table and guide a discussion about the issues facing the family so that the family is able to move past their initial position. We help get them get past their own disagreements so that necessary decisions can be made cooperatively And so they can construct their own agreement for a plan going forward. We help them break the impasse. Again, if you know of a family facing these circumstances, please let them know we can help.
Welcome back from your summer vacations!
Gail and Ruth